The Morning After (94)

PSI-4

Milo woke up late. It was late because it was light out. Hyacinth was sitting in one of the kitchen chairs, asleep with her head on his dresser. He flinched back from her and covered a gasp with his hand.

She’ll be mad. I scared her. I hurt her. She’ll hate me.

Milo… No. Ann looked across at him from the mirror and shook her head. That isn’t going to happen.

He winced in pain. She’ll hit me like Calliope.

Ann touched her cheek. Calliope didn’t hit you, Milo. Calliope hit me.

No. She said it was for me. She hit me. She was mad at me.

Ann nodded. All right. Calliope hit you. But Hyacinth is not going to hit you. She is not going to be mad at you. She is going to be worried. That’s why she slept here, Milo. She was worried and she wanted to be here in case you hurt yourself.

Milo wrapped both arms around his middle and curled over, ashamed. Hyacinth doesn’t want me to have a suitcase. I’m so sorry about the suitcase, Ann.

Milo, I know you are. It’s going to take a little while before everyone else is sure you don’t want it, though.

Are you sure I don’t want a suitcase, Ann? He knew he had scared her too.

She paused a few moments. I know you don’t want one now. I’m scared you’ll want one again, because I know things are going to be hard for you. I’m scared you’ll make me hide it and you won’t let me ask for help if it happens again.

I’m scared you’ll make me smile again, Milo.

Milo looked up and looked for Ann in the mirror. All the makeup had worn away and he could see the bruise and the scar from running into the door, and the dark circles from crying. She looked pale and sick, like she’d been put through a bar fight and a week of stomach flu. She looked like he felt. Ann, everyone was so hurt and so scared when they found out I wanted a suitcase. I don’t want to tell them if it happens again. I don’t want them to be scared like that.

Milo, if they were that scared you might do it, think how scared they’d be if you did do it…

He shook his head. No. I don’t want to think that. That hurts.

I’m not saying it to hurt you. I want you to understand how both things hurt, but one of them hurts less. Sometimes you have to pick between things that hurt. Sometimes everything hurts and you just have to try to do what’s best.

Milo closed his eyes and nodded. I’m sorry I made you smile, Ann. I know it hurt you. I know it was bad. I didn’t care right then.

Ann, I… I can’t promise I won’t ever stop caring about hurting you and being bad. Everything was hurting and I couldn’t tell anymore about what was best.

I guess I know that, Milo. That’s part of what’s scary. Will you try very hard to remember it’s better to get help and hurt everyone for a little while than to hurt everyone forever by going away?

He nodded. Yes.

I think that’s the best we can do.

Milo crept carefully out of bed and searched for his glasses. He wasn’t sure if he was going to get changed or try to sneak downstairs and have breakfast without anyone seeing, or maybe just go in the closet, but he needed his glasses. He didn’t want to wake Hyacinth. He thought she was probably really tired and if he woke her she’d be worried again. Ann thought so too.

The glasses were on the dresser with Hyacinth.

He tiptoed closer and reached over from as far away as he could…

“Huh!” She sat up, then she smiled at him. “Oh. Milo. It’s okay. Are you okay?”

He fumbled his glasses and showed Hyacinth. I just wanted these. I didn’t mean to wake you.

She nodded at him. “Yeah. It’s okay.” She reached out a hand but he shied away from it. She folded both hands in her lap and looked down, so he didn’t have to look at her. “Milo, are you okay?”

Milo sighed. He wrapped his arms around his middle and hung his head. Hyacinth would like him to be okay, and he didn’t want more helping and more hurt people, so he wanted to just say he was. But Hyacinth probably knew he wasn’t, and he thought lying about it might scare Ann. It was two things that would hurt again. He tried to pick the better one. He shook his head.

“Yeah.” She sighed. “I know. I guess I just don’t know what to do about it.”

Milo held up a finger for a moment’s pause. There were cards and pencils in his top dresser drawer, with the stockings. He drew Hyacinth’s bed and showed her.

She took the card from him. “Yeah, but…” She put it back down on the dresser and looked up, then she looked away again. She wanted to see if he was lying, but she wouldn’t get any answer at all if she was staring at him. “Milo…” ‘Okay’ wasn’t what she wanted to know, he wasn’t okay. She needed another word. “Milo, are you safe?”

Milo blinked at that. He wasn’t sure. He didn’t feel very safe…

“I mean, are you going to hurt yourself?” She shook her head. Sometimes he hit his head on the walls and she didn’t want him to do that either, but she didn’t mean that. “Milo, do you still want to die?”

Die? He stumbled back a pace. No, I don’t want… I didn’t…

Is that what I wanted? To be dead?

Yes, Milo. For you, that would’ve been being dead. Being nothing and not being anymore, that means being dead. Maybe more than dead, I don’t know.

Ann… I’m sorry.

I know you are, Milo.

Milo took out more cards, sprayed them all over the top of the dresser with shaking hands, and drew rapidly, not even bothering to shade. He drew a suitcase and crossed it out, but he wasn’t sure Hyacinth would understand. She didn’t know what the suitcase meant, she only heard Erik being scared about it. So he drew a skull, and he crossed that out too, in dark heavy lines. He handed it to her. He looked at her. Hyacinth, I don’t want that. I promise.

She examined the card. She looked pained. “Milo… Do you promise you won’t lie about this? Not just because you don’t want me to be hurt or scared? You won’t… You won’t just say you’re okay so I’ll go away and you can do something?” This was a new concept for her, but one which she had learned to be wary of with Mordecai. Hiding it. Being quiet about it. Milo would no doubt be doubly quiet about it.

Ann? Did you tell her I made you smile?

No, Milo. How could I have?

They were amazed, but Milo was scared about it and Ann was relieved.

Wide-eyed, Milo shook his head. He slid another card towards him, but he wasn’t sure how to draw lying. He chewed on the eraser for a moment. He drew a snake with a forked tongue… and he put glasses on the snake. He crossed it out. He showed Hyacinth.

She took the card and considered it. She snickered softly. “Yeah. Okay.”

Milo tapped the edge of the card with the picture of her bed on it. It was too hard to look at her again. He glanced at the card to make sure it was the right one and then he ducked his head away.

Hyacinth sighed. “All right.” She clutched her own shoulders and she looked away too. “I really wish I could hold you to make you feel better, Milo. I wish there was something better I could do.”

Milo frantically shook his head.

“I know. You wouldn’t like that. I won’t try. Don’t worry about it. I’m sorry.” She walked out, and Milo gazed after her.

But I didn’t mean ‘no’ about holding me, (although, he wouldn’t have liked it) I meant ‘no’ about being sad about me…

He regarded the cards on his dresser and rolled the pencil between his fingers.

Ann, what do I say?

I’m not sure, Milo, but I guess we’ll think of something.

———

Maggie was in the kitchen, not doing much damage to a bowl of cereal. She lost a dribble of milk down the spoon when she saw Ann.

It was the same face, that was the problem. The same eyes that were in so much pain. The same mouth that had been drawn and pressed white, and then red. It was only tired now, and a bit pale under the makeup, and it wasn’t Milo, but it was the same face.

Maggie shot to her feet and brought the heels of her shoes together. “Miss Rose.” She felt milk on her chin and covered it with a panicked hand. Her other hand went down and searched her dress for a handkerchief, but apparently she had neglected to grab one of those… or a paper towel. There weren’t napkins. Mortified, she turned and wiped her mouth with the palm of her hand, then her hand on the skirt of her dress. “Do forgive me.”

“Good morning, Maggie,” Ann said, thinking, Oh, what a mess this is. She had two cards stowed in the front of her dress, but she didn’t have one for Maggie. Milo didn’t want her to talk for him, not right now. Maybe not ever. She understood why. But she didn’t know what she ought to say to Maggie.

“Please excuse me, I have lessons,” Maggie said. She abandoned her half-empty bowl on the counter and walked out.

Ann sighed. She sat down at the table and put her face in her hands.

She had progressed to her own bowl of cereal by the time Mordecai came in, and she paused briefly.

He doesn’t like when I eat cereal in a dress with no glasses, Ann thought.

Well, I don’t care, Ann thought.

“How is Erik?” she asked him.

Mordecai sighed. He was staring into a cabinet and wondering what Erik might like to eat. He had been thinking peanut butter toast, but that required a commitment to stay in the kitchen alone with Ann until the bread popped up. Nevertheless, he slotted two slices of bread into the toaster and depressed the lever. “Upset. He didn’t want to come out.” He had a look around for the peanut butter, and then whatever they were using to spread things at the moment. He decided on a wooden knife. The tin silverware didn’t hold up very well in the peanut butter jar. “He wants everything to be okay and he knows it’s not. He has this idea it’s his responsibility to fix everything. I guess that’s my fault.” He selected a paper towel instead of a plate. Easier clean-up.

Ann sorted Milo’s cards, frowning. She did have one for Erik, but she didn’t want to give it to Mordecai. She also didn’t want to speak to him about this situation. She didn’t trust him with it. “I don’t have to be in here if he would rather not see me,” she said finally.

Mordecai shook his head, not looking over. He was staring at the toaster. “It’s not that. He’s just not ready to handle anything right now. He wants to be where it’s safe.”

Ann nodded. That was about where Milo was too, but she wasn’t going to mention it.

Mordecai departed without making any attempt to clean the utensils he’d dirtied.

Rude, thought Ann.

Ann was doing dishes when Hyacinth came down. She appeared to have slept in her dress. “I have to feed people,” she said.

“Cin, I can do that,” Ann said.

Hyacinth shook her head, but she sat down at the kitchen table when Ann directed her there.

“At least let me get it started for you, dear,” Ann said. “Is peanut butter and jelly all right?”

“Yeah,” said Hyacinth. “Barnaby likes his sandwiches cut diagonally but not in quarters, just in half. Three sides each.” She noted the cards on the table. Ann leaned in and removed Erik’s.

“That’s for you from Milo,” Ann said.

Hyacinth read blearily:

Milo had wanted to put something about being sorry he made Erik and Hyacinth love him, because that hurt them, but Ann told him that would only hurt them more. He didn’t understand about it, but he knew she did, so he listened.

Hyacinth wiped her eyes with the heel of her palm. She spoke thickly, “Ann, what did he say? Why did he say it?”

“I’m sorry Cin,” Ann said. “I don’t think he’d like me to talk about it, not right now. It’s just… There’s a lot of stuff about people he doesn’t understand. And I didn’t understand how much…” She shook her head. “Cin, before you go back to bed, I want you to talk to the General about going to the hospital to be with Calliope. I don’t want her there alone. They were being unkind to her. I would rather you be there, but I think Milo and I have used you rather badly. I know that awful woman is rested, and she can order people around when she needs. …And Calliope likes her,” she added, somewhat mystified.

“All right,” Hyacinth said, blinking. Even Ann wasn’t mad at Calliope about this. Oh, gods, Milo must’ve really screwed up… “I know Mordecai was there with her last night. He said… Well, she was pretty upset.”

“Were they still letting her be with Lucy?” Ann said.

“I didn’t ask.”

“Please go and talk to the General right now,” Ann said. “I’ll feed Barnaby and Room 101.”

The General departed as soon as she understood the nature of the mission. Maggie remained in her room doing lessons of her own volition. Ann supposed, with a sigh, that Maggie probably wanted to be where it was safe, like Erik. Hyacinth checked up on Ann’s belated breakfast delivery and fielded a complaint about the ill-omened sandwich (Barnaby preferred grape jelly) before going back to bed.

Ann was still in the kitchen, organizing things in the pantry that didn’t need it, when Erik peeked in at about eleven with a folded paper towel for the trash. He was dressed and had his eye in, but barefoot and otherwise disheveled.

“Oh, Erik, dear, do you want lunch?” Ann asked him.

He gravely shook his head, then he put both arms around her waist and hugged.

“Oh…” She knelt down and did it properly. “That’s all right, darling. That’s all right…”

“No… suitcase…?” he managed softly.

“No, dear. I’m not ever going to let that happen.”

“Mm-hm.”

She pulled back just enough to speak to him, “Milo has a card for you, Erik, do you want it right now?”

He nodded.

“All right.” She dabbed gently under his gray eye with her sleeve, then she presented the card. She’d had it tucked down the front of her dress. She picked him up and sat him on her knee while he read it.

Erik wrapped his arms around her neck and hid his face against her shoulder. He was hot, and damp. “Ann, is… Milo… listening… now?”

“No, dear, but he will if you want him to…”

Erik shook his head. “No, I… don’t… want to… hurt… him…”

“It’s just me and you won’t hurt him.”

He nodded against her. “Okay.” He shut his gray eye, and he covered the metal one with his hand so it wouldn’t wander off. “I want to… talk… but not where… anyone will… come in. Not your… room with… the… closet…” He shuddered. Milo hurt himself sometimes in the closet and he didn’t like to know about it. Especially not now.

“Well… What about the roof, sweetheart? We can be in the cupola.”

Erik nodded. “…Yes.”

———

The sky was blue above, with fluffy white clouds. It was warm and golden. There was birdsong. It was a belligerently nice day. They really should have brought some food up with them and picnicked, but neither of them felt like eating.

“This… is… hard,” Erik said. He struck the heel of his palm against his brow. “I’m… so… slow!”

“It’s all right, dear.” Ann pulled down his hand. She sat cross-legged and drew him into her lap to hold him. “You take just as long as you need.”

Erik drew a few long breaths and let them out as evenly as he could. “Milo… forgot… being… dead… is… bad…”

“Oh, Erik,” Ann said.

Erik lifted a hand to stop her. He wasn’t done. “My… uncle doesn’t… ever… forget that… but Milo… did!”

Ann covered her mouth. “Your uncle…”

Erik looked sick. “When he… thinks about… dying he… knows it would… hurt me. That makes him… stop. That… makes him… safe. Milo… thought we’d… like it!”

Ann swayed a dizzy circle. If she hadn’t already been sitting, she would have done so without meaning to. That’s why Cin knows about hiding it. Mordecai hides it.

But you can’t hide things from Erik! she thought. Doesn’t he know that?

How could Erik be with someone… How could Erik belong to someone who thought those kinds of things? Who hurt him that way? It hurt her badly enough when it was Milo, and she was a grown adult with coping skills. She was supposed to take care of Milo. It wasn’t the other way around!

She wanted to snatch Erik up right now and leave with him, and two suitcases. Three, if Erik wanted. I’ll take care of him! I’ll keep him safe! I’m stable!

…but Milo wasn’t. She realized this with helpless pain.

Erik was shaking his head, looking down. “No, Ann. That’s not… keeping me… safe. That’s… hurting me. Like… Calliope.”

“Erik, it is not your responsibility to keep your uncle from killing himself!”

“No,” Erik replied. He shrugged. “I’m just what he remembers when he thinks about it. Milo didn’t… remember… anyone. Even… you.”

Ann sighed and put a hand to her head. She and Erik were not lining up on the things they were upset about, she could tell from the slowing. He didn’t care about his uncle being suicidal, he had that sorted. He just brought that up for comparison. Milo was being suicidal in a different way, that was what bothered him. Milo was being suicidal wrong.

Oh, my gods, what are we doing to this poor child?

“Erik… I am never going to let Milo hurt himself that way. I’m here to help him. I’m strong enough to do that.”

Erik nodded, he didn’t even look up. It was like a whole audience just staring at her. No smiles, no applause. Crickets. Yeah. What else have you got?

That wasn’t what Erik needed out of her. He didn’t care whose problem it was, it was still a problem.

But she didn’t know what he wanted her to do, if not fix it. She couldn’t promise him it was never going to happen again. She could only say she wouldn’t let it get too far… and she wasn’t sure she could even promise that.

They sat silently for a time. She held him, he did seem to want that. He held her hand in both of his own and he examined the lines in her palm. Then he reached up and touched her sleeve. There was a bandage there, he could probably feel it, but he didn’t have to look for it. She guessed he knew what had happened and why all of her dresses had long sleeves too. And Milo’s shirts.

“This lady bit my uncle one time,” Erik said. “You have to be really careful and take care of it.”

“We are,” Ann said. “We do.” She took Erik’s hand. It was small and green and you couldn’t feel any scars there from holding it over a lamp. “I only let him do that sometimes because it helps more than it hurts. He learned how to feel better that way before I was there to help him. I’m not ever going to let him hurt himself badly, or stop being him.”

Erik sighed and nodded. “You remember about what hurts. You do what he can’t.” He shut his eye and shook his head. “But it’s not… the same, Ann. You get… what he… needs and you.. try to… make him… happy and… safe… but it doesn’t… work the… same. It… barely… works… at… all.”

“I know,” Ann said. “I wish I’d realized that before. If I’d known it was this bad, I never would’ve let him do what he did.”

“Milo doesn’t want to tell Calliope how he’s… broken,” Erik said. “So she just thinks he’s… mean.” He lifted his head, with effort, and frowned at her. “No one asked me yet what… happened. Do you want me not to… tell?”

Ann nodded. “Not the words. Not what he wanted to do. And please don’t talk to Calliope about it. I don’t even know what to do about that. I think we have to let her decide before anyone does anything.”

“My uncle got her to… say she wouldn’t… move… away,” Erik said.

Ann hissed and flinched her eyes closed. Oh, gods, she’d almost ruined everything just by telling Calliope what he wanted, let alone actually doing it.

Erik put both hands on her shoulders. “Ann, you didn’t know. You thought he… loved her.”

“I should have known,” Ann said. “Two months isn’t enough after… after a lifetime. I let this happen.” Her eyes spilled over tears. “Damn it, I’m the one who’s supposed to understand him!”

“Now you know,” Erik said. “Now you can help him better. I think it might still be okay,” he added, but nothing about Dave. Ann was worried enough without knowing that.

“It’s going to be so hard for him,” Ann said weakly. She wiped her eyes with a fist and sniffled. She made a smile. “I’m sorry, Erik. You’re right, of course. I’ll just have to help him better.”

“All of us will,” Erik said. He looked pained. “Ann? Can Milo… know we… love him?”

She shook her head, admitting it. “I have to know that for him right now, I’m afraid. I’m sorry, dear.”

Erik sighed and dropped his head. “Even if I kept… telling him, he wouldn’t get it. Even if I… explained it to him…”

Ann stroked down the middle of his back. “It isn’t your fault, darling. I’ve been trying to tell him I love him for ages. I think he almost has it… But then stuff like this happens, and I have to remind myself that whatever he does have, it doesn’t work right.” She was pretty sure he was missing the ‘trust’ gear, and the whole thing seemed to be running on fear, instead of any kind of happiness. “It’s just the way he’s hurt,” she said.

“He’s hurt a lot,” said Erik.

“Yes, dear. But you don’t have to be the one to…”

Erik lifted a hand to interrupt. He was scared of this and it was hard to say. “I could’ve… done… something… better to… help,” he said. “When he was so… hurt. I… might’ve… hurt him, I don’t… know if I should’ve… tried, but I… forgot about it. I just… hugged him.” He looked away. “And I… forgot how hugs… scare him.”

“Erik.” Ann pushed him back, holding his arms at his sides as if she intended to shake him. “You can’t fix Milo. It’s not your job to fix Milo. You can’t fix everything. Do you know that?”

“Yeah,” Erik said. He sobbed. “I… wish… I… could!”

———

Maggie tiptoed her way downstairs to attempt lunch. It seemed like lunch. She had two handkerchiefs, this time. And she’d put on her gloves. Her socks were impeccably cuffed. There was no one in the front room, but when she peeped past the kitchen doorway, Mordecai was sitting at the table with a glass of water and not drinking it.

“Maggie,” he said.

“Um,” she said. She didn’t know what to call him that was polite. She never bothered about that because her mom didn’t care. She couldn’t call him ‘sir,’ he wasn’t military. What did Erik say his last name was?

I could just turn into a bird. Then I wouldn’t have to talk. I could have potato chips for lunch.

But, she sort of wanted to talk. To someone. Upstairs trying to read books, it was all thinking.

“Does Erik want lunch?” she said. “I have lunch money.”

Mordecai sighed. “I’m not sure where he is.” He thought probably in the house, because Erik’s shoes were in the house. Given the empty kitchen, he thought Erik might be talking to Ann, and if that were the case, he shouldn’t go looking for them. “I think he probably doesn’t want lunch yet, or he’d be in here. I thought I’d catch him later when he does.” He stood. “Do you want a sandwich or something? I could make something hot…” Which would be canned soup, because he didn’t want to go poking around in the basement when Ann and Erik might be down there. He examined the pantry. “I guess there’s canned pasta, or I could make real…”

Maggie started to cry.

“…Or we could do that. Yeah. Let’s do that.” He sat her down at the table. The box of tissues was still there from last night. He acted as an intermediary. Maggie took the tissue from him and buried her face in it. She had quite forgotten about the handkerchiefs. She hunched over with her gloved hands over her face, but she did not put her elbows on the table.

Mordecai put his hand on her shoulder. “Yeah, this is rough. This has been rough.”

“Why would Milo want to go away?” she said. She just couldn’t hold it anymore. It was like she needed to pee. “Doesn’t he know we love him? Doesn’t he care?”

He winced. Oh, boy. Does she not know he was thinking about dying, or does she know and not want to say it? He couldn’t ask. He’d have to say something that could apply to either. “Well… Sometimes… Sometimes when someone is very hurt and upset, it starts to seem like all the people they care about don’t really care about them. Or maybe they shouldn’t care. Like maybe they’d be better off without you. It’s not because of anything anybody did, like they weren’t nice enough or they never said that they cared, it’s just because of how that person feels. When they start to feel better again, they remember how their friends love them… and usually they feel pretty bad that they forgot about their friends loving them and they almost did something stupid. I think that’s probably how Ann and Milo feel right now. That way of thinking, that messed up thinking that things would be better and it would hurt less if you left, if someone can help you right when it happens, or if you remember and stop on your own… then nothing bad happens. Well, sometimes something like this where people are upset, but nothing bad forever.”

“Hyacinth and Erik helped Milo,” Maggie said. “He was already sorry about it when my mom and I came down. Why was he so hurt? What happened?”

“I’m not sure,” said Mordecai. “I only heard it from Calliope. Ann said something to her, something Milo wanted to say. And I think whatever it was he wanted to get across, he messed it up pretty bad.”

“Is Calliope okay?” said Maggie. “Hyacinth asked my mom to go stay with Calliope. She said Calliope didn’t like the hospital.”

“The hospital?” He shook his head. “I don’t know. When I was there, she was just sad about Milo. She’s tired and she has a lot to be worried about, but I think she’s okay. I’m not sure if she’s going to be okay with Milo, not for a while, but she’s a lot tougher than he is.”

“Did she want to move away too?” said Maggie.

Oh, we are just talking about leaving, thought Mordecai. That was something of a relief, though not necessarily any easier. To a ten-year-old, dying and moving away forever amounted to about the same. “She wanted to know if I thought she should, but I said she shouldn’t,” he added quickly, noting Maggie’s expression. “And she isn’t going to.”

Maggie looked down at her hands in her lap. She was twisting up her damp tissue. There were tearstains on her gloves. “We’re not really family, Uncle Mordecai. Anyone could leave here whenever they wanted. People moved away from here before and they don’t live here anymore. Ann and Milo could go away. Or Calliope. Or my mom could say we have to go live somewhere else. And I couldn’t do anything about it!” She broke down in sobs again, her shoulders hitching.

“Oh.” He leaned in and held her. The dark fabric of her dress was thin, and he could feel a slip beneath it. He felt absurdly old and awkward, like maybe he was trying to comfort a toddler and he had to be careful not to crush her. “I know. I do know that, and it’s hard, especially when you’re little and it’s not your decision. That does happen sometimes, and I’m not going to say about it not being the end of the world, because you know that and that doesn’t make it any better. If anyone left here, it would be awful and I’d hate it too. They’re all my friends — even Calliope. Even though she’s new.” He drew back to look at her, though he kept his hands on her arms. “But I don’t think that’s going to happen, and do you want to know why?” He smiled. “Because this place is special. Because Hyacinth deals with people who are so messed up, the only other place they have to go is the street. People don’t live in a house with no roof when they’ve got a whole bunch more options. Milo wears dresses and I’m a colored person with no real job and Barnaby is completely mental, and your mother is completely mental too. You know that, Maggie, don’t you? With the uniform and the flying paintings? That is not normal behavior.”

Maggie was still crying, but she nodded and laughed.

“And she is stubborn as hell, but she is not dumb. She knows this is the only place in the city where she can do whatever magic she wants whenever she wants and people don’t scream and call the police. She might like to pretend she doesn’t like us, but she likes that. We might not really be family, but I think we’re going to be stuck with each other until Hyacinth throws us out, and Hyacinth never throws anything out.”

“Coffee filters,” Maggie said. “Paper towels.”

“Okay, but not people.”

She nodded. She reached up and hugged his neck. “I’m really, really glad you’re stuck here.”

“Yeah,” he admitted. “Me too.” He did not attempt to disentangle himself from the hugging, but he offered an out if Maggie wanted it, “What do you think? Should we break into Milo’s canned pasta?”

Maggie shook her head. She sat back and managed a smile. “I think Ann’s tomato soup. She might like some when she wants lunch. Then it’ll already be warm.”

He sighed and adopted a longsuffering expression. “You know, tomato soup is practically canned pasta. I know Ann and Milo are two different people, but neither one of them has any taste.”

“Me neither,” Maggie said proudly. She stood and offered her assistance, “You know, I can heat up canned soup pretty good if you’d rather play ‘Turkey in the Straw.’”

When Ann and Erik came down a few minutes later, they looked pretty rough. Ann had a couple handkerchiefs down the front of her dress — not for handkerchiefs, just to sort of smooth things out so it was harder to tell she had socks in there too. They’d employed both, also one of the socks, but it wasn’t any less obvious they’d been crying. Maggie got up to hug them. Mordecai got up to make toast. Ann liked tomato soup and toast — and not him.

Maggie still had some crying left. She clung. “Ann, please don’t ever let Milo move away. Not even if he thinks we’d like it better without him. We wouldn’t. If Milo tries to move away I’m going to glue him to the floor!”

Erik swatted her urgently on the shoulder and shook his head “…Maggie, no. We don’t… ever… glue… Ann and Milo to… anything. Promise.”

Maggie wanted to say that if Milo tried to move away she would too, but the way Erik said that scared her.

Ann looked scared too.

“I promise,” she said. “I’m sorry. I promise.”

“Thank you,” Ann said faintly.

“I just don’t want you to go,” Maggie said. She hugged again.

After a moment, Ann knelt down and hugged back. “No, I know you don’t. We’re not going to go, dear. I promise you.”

“Ann?” said Mordecai. He had dished out toast and tomato soup.

Ann regarded it suspiciously, then sat down at the table. “Thank you, Mordecai.”

Ann? Milo was vague and exhausted and hardly there. It was as if she woke him from troubled sleep. Why are you so mad at him?

She frowned, and her fingers tightened on the spoon. She finally had something she could tell him. Do you know what he does, Milo? He thinks about killing himself sometimes. Erik knows that. Erik knows he’s the only thing standing between Mordecai and a gun to his head. That is a horrible thing to tell a child! He knows Erik knows things. He’s supposed to take care of Erik! He’s not safe!

‘Not safe’ was the worst thing a person could be. Even Barnaby and the General were safe, because the General was cruel but logical and Barnaby was chaotic but harmless. Seth wasn’t safe, because needles were just about the worst thing in the world and wanting them didn’t make sense. If he wanted to do something that bad, he might do anything.

Hurting Erik that way, Ann thought, was right up there with liking needles.

I did that, Ann. I hurt him that way too. Am I not safe?

It wasn’t rhetorical. He honestly wanted to know.

Milo, that is not the same thing! You are not Erik’s father!

The fact that Mordecai was also not Erik’s father was irrelevant and they both ignored it. Ann and Milo understood each other.

But I want to take care of him and I don’t want to hurt him. And I did that anyway. It wasn’t because I wanted to. I was just hurt.

Ann, I think Mordecai can be hurt sometimes and still be safe. It’s not his fault Erik knows things. He can’t stop the gods from telling Erik stuff, no matter how much he tries. Ann, I think you’re wrong about him.

Well, I think you’re wrong about Seth and needles, Milo. I don’t try to make you be nice to him, do I?

No… He faded. He was tired and in pain and she shouldn’t have snapped at him like that, but, damn it, Mordecai wasn’t safe. He’d already hurt Milo once! Even if she couldn’t tell him about that time without hurting him more. Milo couldn’t stand more hurting now. From anyone.

Ann ate soup quietly. Maggie still wanted to talk, but nobody else did and she stopped trying. Erik just reached over and held her hand. He managed a faint smile, “It’s gonna be okay.”

Maggie cast a glance at Ann and mouthed words at him, Still mad.

Erik nodded. He squeezed her hand. It’s okay. It wasn’t just about the brownies now, he probably shouldn’t have said that thing about his uncle, but it was mainly the brownies. And hurting Milo. Ann didn’t like anyone who hurt Milo. But this was still better than her not liking Calliope. Even now. Especially now, because Milo and Calliope might be okay again later.

“Maggie, will you help me do a card for Milo?” he asked. “I want to get the letters right,” he added, looking down. He thought Maggie might want to talk, and he wanted to talk, even if he’d said the important stuff to Ann. And he did want to get the letters right.

“Yeah,” Maggie said.

“Ann?” Mordecai said. “I think I might go shopping. Is there anything Milo would like for dinner?”

“Milo does not want any dinner.” Ann sighed and touched a hand to her head. “But I might get him to come out for some ice cream later, if he doesn’t have to have it around people.” Or some cookies, but she wasn’t going to ask Mordecai to bake anything. Ice cream was safe.

“Coffee flavor?” he asked.

“Yes… If they have it.”

It annoyed her that he knew that.