The Prep Work (119)

PSI-2

Technically, it was Barnaby’s idea. Ann and Milo only figured it out because it seemed like everyone was bored and unhappy, especially Erik and Mordecai, and they were casting about for some kind of fix.

What if, Ann posited breathlessly, what if they did Twelfth Night on the twelfth? It was a Sun’s Day, so Maggie didn’t have lessons and Milo didn’t have work. It was a twelfth night. They could do it like Lucy’s hat. Yule (semicolon) Baby. Twelfth (semicolon) Night!

Given that Ann was behind this idea and pushing, she quickly plowed over all protestations that everyone still felt kinda crummy and sick. They’d be lots better by Sun’s Day, and lots happier if they had something fun to look forward to.

Hyacinth allowed that she would be thrilled just to get the goddamn tree and presents out of the front room. Mordecai said he didn’t mind cooking if somebody else did the shopping, since Hyacinth wouldn’t let him and his cough out of the house.

Then Ann said, “And we should open the presents in the morning, like when we did fake Yule for Erik, and then for dinner we can invite all our friends over!”

And both Hyacinth and Mordecai thought, but did not share with each other or say, What friends?

“Ann,” said Hyacinth, “if you want to invite a couple of your friends, it’s fine, but…”

“Oh, no, dear, I have too many,” she replied with a wave of her hand. “Just one. One each. Well, one for me and one for Milo.” She smiled and added aside, “Milo has a friend, you know. And one for you and Calliope… and Erik and Maggie. And Mordecai, if he wants one. That’s not too many. We can put a blanket on the floor by the tree and the children can picnic! That’s fewer chairs we need!”

“Ann, that’s dinner for fourteen people!” Hyacinth cried.

“Sixteen, we still have to feed Barnaby and Room 101,” Mordecai said.

“No, it’s fifteen. Milo and I only need one dinner. I suppose we’ll have to switch out halfway.”

“Seventeen,” said the General. “You are, in what I can only assume is your excitement, forgetting to account for me and my friend.”

“You have a friend?” said Mordecai, with genuine dismay. No. How does she have one and I don’t? He snatched a tissue out of the box on the kitchen table and coughed into it.

“She may decline to attend,” said the General. “But it is my intention to invite her, if you intend to go forward with this absurd excess.”

“Oh, boy,” Maggie said. She knew who her mom meant.

“It’s perfectly reasonable!” Ann declared. “We feed more than seventeen people all the time during magic season!”

Hyacinth darted a finger across the table at Mordecai, “That’s because this one goes completely mental every time and cooks all the food in the house!”

“Well, if he can do it on accident, I am quite certain he can manage it on purpose!” Ann turned and frowned at him. “Well?”

Ann, be nice. It’s Yule.

Ann smiled tightly. “But only if you don’t mind, of course. I don’t mind doing the shopping for it. Dear.”

“I’ll go with you,” Calliope said. “If we hit up a drugstore I can call Sally, or Marie, or Kathleen. Wow, that’s great. I haven’t seen my friends in forever. Cin, do you mind watching Lucy for a little, or do you need a phone too?”

“I’m going to invite Seth,” Hyacinth said suddenly. She smacked the flat of her palm on the table. “One of us has to. He needs to eat. He’ll be my friend.”

Mordecai straightened and turned on her, “What? Since when is Seth your friend?”

“Since he comes here when it storms and I take care of him, and I leave food out for when he delivers the papers.”

“That’s not a friend, that’s a pet! He’s my friend first! I’ve known him since the siege!”

Erik tugged on his uncle’s sleeve and broadly shook his head.

Mordecai cringed and drew back from him, “Well, I mean…”

“Your friend doesn’t seem to like you very much,” Hyacinth said, with her usual tact.

Mordecai stood, “Well, I’m going to invite Ted and Maria! And that baby, whatsisname. Erik is obviously going to invite Bethany, because Maggie doesn’t have any children that tolerate her other than Soup…”

Maggie sighed and rested her head in her hand. Well, he wasn’t wrong.

“Magnificent, sit up straight and do not put your elbows on the table,” the General said.

“…and it would be very rude not to invite Bethany’s parents!”

Erik tugged his uncle’s sleeve and shook his head again.

“What?” Mordecai leaned closer and Erik spoke softly and somewhat haltingly in his ear. “What? Why would he do that? …Every time?”

Erik nodded. “He… thinks you could… hide bad food like the… siege.”

Mordecai scowled. “Oh, well, then he can go fuh…” He glanced at Calliope. “Far, far away.”

“Who did what to who now?” Calliope said.

“Bethany’s dad is scared of magic food,” Maggie said, elbows not on the table.

“Aw, that’s too bad. It’s fun guessing what stuff’s made out of.”

“You know, I generally make things out of what it looks they’re made out of!” Mordecai went on, cradling his wounded ego. He nudged the casserole in the middle of the table, which had leftover ‘meat’ loaf in it, approximated from breadcrumbs and dried beans. Everyone was tired of canned soup and there wasn’t much food in the house. You could hide anything with ketchup. “Unless it’s expensive.” He stood and removed the casserole so they could wrap up the ‘meat’ in foil and save it in the cold box for sandwiches. “But if it’s for Twelfth Night, I’m not going to cut any corners!” This year, he added silently to himself. “I’ll make some kind of enormous bird for everyone to attack. I will have to send you to the butcher’s, Ann. You can use your judgment. Get whatever’s heaviest.” He dropped his hand into the big glass jar without looking and plunked directly to the bottom of it, where two sols and a penny were waiting. He snatched up the jar and tipped the coins out into his hand. “Hyacinth, where the hell is our money?”

Hyacinth lifted a finger, “First off, it is my money, I can spend it however I want. Second, you haven’t been out playing violin since Seth got sick, so it’s not like you’ve been making deposits. Third… I bought a bunch of toys for the kids at the school so they’d pay attention to me and I was bribing all those people who got hit with newspapers not to blame it on Seth and get him fired. The first one worked, the second one didn’t. Oh, and all the canned soup and cold medicine.”

“Milo and I have a little,” Ann said hopefully.

“And Lucy and I have a lot,” Calliope finished.

“Calliope, no,” Mordecai said.

“Calliope, that is your savings,” the General said.

“I know what it is,” Calliope said. “It’s for stuff I need. I need to get back in touch with my friends and have a fun time. And I want to say ‘thank you’ to all you guys for taking care of me and Lucy.” She smiled and shrugged. “Besides, you’re not gonna spend all of it. Unless Em decides to gold-plate the turkey.”

“This is a foolish expenditure and in no way necessary,” the General said. “There is no reason we cannot open the presents right now, without involving large meals or outside parties.”

Calliope frowned. “I wanna meet your friend, Glorie. Wouldn’t you like to see your friend?”

“Well,” said the General. She flung a vague gesture. “I can see her. I often do. A celebration and an enormous bird are not necessary.”

Calliope beamed at her. “But they’re way more fun.” She held up Lucy and danced her gently, “‘Don’t be a buzzkill, Glorie. I want my first Twelfth Night to be fun!’” Lucy grinned, toothless and fetchingly damp with drool and snot. Yule;Baby, the little hat read, with an embroidered sprig of holly next to it.

“Lucy Otis, you are three months old and I will not be taking your advice about anything,” the General said. “Calliope, a cute baby is no substitute for a logical argument.”

“‘Pwease?’” Calliope said, hiding behind her rhetorical device.

“Well pay you back, Calliope!” Mordecai said. “Yeah? Is that all right? We’ll just call it a loan.”

Calliope smiled. “Sure. But when I spend it, it’s gone. I don’t mind if I never see it again. I just want to meet everyone’s friends. Money always goes away, that’s what it’s for. Memories are way better, you get to keep those forever.”

Erik winced and touched a hand to his metal socket. Memories go away sometimes, Calliope. He sighed. But they’re not supposed to. And he managed a faint smile. I’d like it a lot better if it worked how you said.

Mordecai came up behind him and rested warm hands on his shoulders. “Okay, Calliope,” the red man said. “Let’s buy a Twelfth Night.”

———

The next morning, Frig’s Day, Mordecai got up early to snipe himself a friend. But first he stuffed his face in his pillows so he wouldn’t wake Erik with coughing. He frowned at the resulting red stain and flipped things around so Erik wouldn’t be bothered by that either. Then he tiptoed into the closet and retrieved his greatcoat. The paper bag with the modified contraceptive charms was still in there. He had five left, plenty for a short walk.

It’s perfectly safe. It’ll probably be warmer than the house. I’ll be back before Erik even notices I’m gone. And Hyacinth won’t know until she goes out and invites him and finds out he’s already invited.

He grinned in a manner that made him feel faintly ashamed when he caught himself in the mirror. He adjusted his tie, buttoned the coat and crept into the front room…

Where the mage lights were already lit and Erik was sitting in one of the big chairs with his coat and hat on, leafing through a folio of music with a grave expression.

“Oh, damn,” said Mordecai. Not very loud, but enough.

Erik pushed out of the chair, walked over and presented him with a stenciled piece of paper from the kitchen pad, like a telegraph operator delivering bad news from the front.

This is serious, he didn’t even do any stars, thought Mordecai. But he supposed he knew what it was.

I’M GOING TOO, the note said. And just in case he wasn’t intuitive enough to know why he ought to feel guilty about that: IF I’D BEEN IN THE BASEMENT LIKE I SHOULD HAVE THAT WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED.

Mordecai sighed. Every day I find some new way to screw him up a little more. You wouldn’t think it was physically possible. Let’s see how badly I do this time.

“Dear one, I know what happened upset you. It was really scary and you couldn’t do anything about it. But that doesn’t mean it was your fault it happened. It was perfectly reasonable for you to be sick in Maggie’s room. And the thing with the stairs and the silence spells was an accident — Milo’s accident. It wasn’t his fault either. Sometimes it’s really tempting to take the blame for stuff, because if it’s our fault then the next time if we’re better we can stop it. But that isn’t how it works, and thinking that way can really hurt you.”

“If I was there, you had to be… nice,” Erik said softly, looking down.

“Did they…” No, that was a stupid question. He knew they’d told Erik something, something cry-worthy, but that was all. He’d just been waiting for Erik to bring it up — like following a cat around with a bunch of newspapers and waiting for the hairball. Until then, all he could say about it was ‘sorry.’ “Do you want to talk about what they told you about it?” he said.

Erik shook his head. “Monsters I can’t… see.” They might tell him more things if he thought about it too much. Seth and Uncle Mordecai stuck in the basement was just this big ball of bad feelings like a nest of snakes. You didn’t poke something like that unless you want to get bitten.

“I’m sorry,” Mordecai said. He sighed again. Erik I really hope you like what I did you for Twelfth Night. I guess if it’s in completely bad taste I can always say it was Hyacinth’s idea… He knelt down and put hands on Erik’s shoulders. “I’m gonna say it’s okay for you to come because I don’t want you to be back here being scared about what’s happening and getting updates from the gods. But you’re not there to make it be okay, you’re there to see it’s okay… Like when we make sure there’s nothing scary in the closet. If I thought there was actually something scary in the closet, I wouldn’t take you in there with me. I want to show you Seth and I are safe. Okay?”

Erik nodded.

“Right,” said Mordecai. “Now let’s get out of here before your Auntie Hyacinth catches us. Oh.” He stuffed a hand in his pocket and came out with a small paper packet. “I’m also gonna say it’s okay for you to open up your first contraceptive charm at the age of eight.”

Erik snickered and accepted the packet. “I did a bunch when I was little because I liked the glitter, but Auntie Hyacinth yelled at me.”

“She didn’t happen to yell anything about it hurting you, did she?” said Mordecai. Maybe she’s just waiting for his eighteenth birthday to tell me he’s sterile, like a present. ‘Hey, he won’t knock any girls up!’

“No, just it was expensive.”

“Okay, well, Milo already ruined these, so we’re safe.”

“We should get him to ruin some more while it’s still cold,” Erik said. He tore open the packet and ran a curious hand through the cascade of sparks. “Ooh.”

———

The snow melted around them as they walked down the street. As it was snowing, this resulted in a personal area of light rain, like a warm shower with no water pressure. Erik’s mood had markedly improved, even though he had to turn his hat around to keep the drips out of his eye. Still, when they turned the corner onto Eddows Lane, he remarked in cautionary tones, “Seth isn’t a pet. Or, like, a football. For points.” He frowned. “Or a… radio that doesn’t… work.”

“I know,” said Mordecai. “Sometimes I have a hard time remembering people aren’t things, but I do know. I try not to treat people badly, even if sometimes I think of them in a bad way.”

“I can… remind you,” Erik said.

“Sometimes you do, and I appreciate that,” Mordecai said. He reached down and held Erik’s hand. “But one of these days here, when we’re not trying to feed seventeen people on a shoestring and half of us still have colds, we’re going to have to have a long talk about how you helping me sometimes doesn’t mean it’s on you for not helping when I mess up. A series of long talks. A symposium.”

“Hokay,” Erik said glumly.

“I’ll mix it up with something fun,” Mordecai said. “I’ll teach you how to make meatloaf out of found objects.”

“We should’ve… brought… food,” Erik said.

Mordecai paused and glanced into the drugstore window with a sigh. “Probably, but we didn’t have a bunch and it was hiding in places where Hyacinth likes to be. And now I’ve walked off without any money.” He smiled. “But we’re offering food later, so that’s almost as good.”

“Are we poor?” Erik asked.

“More or less,” said Mordecai. “But we’re lucky, and that makes up for a lot.”

“Seth isn’t lucky,” Erik said.

“He was, but he got a large helping of luck early on and it seems to have gone downhill from there…”

There were about a dozen kids gathered under the bridge in Cinders Alley, due to the weather. A few of them did have personal heaters — care of the General Glorious D’Iver — but there had already been some attrition in the form of sale, trade and theft. Besides, the school had a nice teacher and they were all very happy he wasn’t kidnapped or dead.

Seth smiled and waved at his imminent company. “Erik! And Mr. Eidel! I didn’t expect to see you so soon! Is there anything I can do?”

Erik glanced back and forth between the carefully smiling adults. It’s not just to be funny and show the kids how to be nice. It’s ‘Mr. Eidel’ because he wants my uncle to back off. Does he know that?

Erik regarded his uncle, who had stopped walking and was standing right outside the line of desks.

Yeah. My uncle knows everything.

…Except sometimes that people are not things.

“Yes, actually,” Mordecai said brightly. “Ann’s had sort of a silly idea about inviting our friends over to the house for dinner on Sun’s Day. I was sort of wondering if you might like to come?” Sort of, sort of, he added acidly to himself. We could sort of have dinner and sort of pretend you’re my friend and sort of keep Hyacinth from humiliating me…

“Oh, no thank you. I really do try to be here for dinners. That’s when the workers get home…” Seth’s smile faltered. “Er, that is, some of them do work Sun’s Days. Porters and… and day labor… Anyway, I’ve been gone for so long, and you’ve all done so much for me…”

“Well, it would sort of be…” Mordecai punched himself in the leg, then he resumed his smile. “It would be… like a favor. It’s going to be a lot of people I don’t know and don’t like and… if you were there it would be like insulation.” I am not going to tell all these random children that I’m embarrassed I don’t have a friend. Oh, there’s Emily. Hello, Emily. “And… and it’s a meal, isn’t it?”

“It is, and thank you for offering, but I do usually manage to take care of myself,” Seth said.

Back off, back off, Erik thought. He’s not happy we kidnapped him and he wants my uncle to know it. Geez, how did I think they were just being nice to each other before?

Mordecai took a half-step backwards and shifted his weight to his farthest foot. “No, I don’t mean that. Just… that it’s nice to see you. It’s just… a thing that people who’ve known each other a long time do occasionally. Visit. Without locking each other in the basement.”

Now Erik punched his uncle in the leg. That’s too far, you’re trying to make him feel stupid for not wanting to come now because we locked him in the basement before. He can still be mad at us even if he knows we’re not gonna lock him in the basement again! He wished he had his stencil.

“I mean,” said Mordecai. “That is…” He slumped. “Ann asked us to invite people who are our friends. I thought… I thought I’d try to invite you.”

Erik slowly shook his head, more to himself than for anyone else. It’s not enough space. ‘Come to the house and eat with us and say you’re my friend’ isn’t nearly enough space. There’s a little room between that and ‘actually be my friend right now because I said so’ but it’s not enough.

“Thank you, it was a lovely thought,” Seth said, smiling. “But I really can’t right now. Maybe some other time. And of course Erik is always welcome at the school.” Seth did not need Erik to punch him, he caught himself implicitly denying Mordecai access to the school and rescinded it, “And you can visit any time you like.”

“I don’t suppose you would’ve liked it any better if Hyacinth asked you?” Mordecai said. He was already turning his body to go.

Seth shook his head, still smiling, “No, no. Not really, no.”

He would’ve hated it in a different way, Erik thought. And Hyacinth might not’ve let him say no and still be nice. He reached up and took hold of his uncle’s hand.

“This was a stupid idea and Ann had a stupid idea,” Mordecai said an a very low voice which Erik nonetheless caught. The boy poked him and shook his head.

“It’s not. You’re just mad and hurt.”

“Erik, please don’t try to understand me right now,” Mordecai said. He bit back an urge to add, Why don’t you think about racecars or something like a normal kid? “I can be really dumb when I’m mad and hurt and I say things I shouldn’t. Just let me not talk for a little.”

Erik nodded and they walked home in silence.

———

Hyacinth was in the kitchen. Erik and Mordecai came in the back door. Mordecai didn’t care if she knew he’d been outside anymore, but he did try to walk past her without talking.

“Mordecai, what the hell…?”

He stopped in mid-step and did not look over. “Don’t bother trying to invite Seth over to the house. I just did and he’s not interested in being friends with either of us.”

“What?” She abandoned her irritation at Mordecai taking his cough out of the house in a snowstorm and picked up this new, more interesting object to be irritated about. “Why the hell not?”

“I don’t know, Hyacinth. It’s probably something to do with why everyone you love abandons you all the time!”

Erik gasped and put both hands over his mouth.

“No it isn’t, you dumbass,” said Hyacinth. “Because he’s pissed off at you too! What did you say to him? What happened to that goddamned tact you’re always talking about?”

Mordecai rocked backwards a step and blinked at her. “Hyacinth… I want to take a moment to thank you sincerely for never working right no matter how hard I hit you.”

“What?”

“…I just need to lie down for a little because I’m being stupid. I’m sorry.”

He cut through the dining room. Erik followed after him and Hyacinth followed both of them, talking, “Well, that’s what happens when you sneak out on me and you go out in the snow when you’re still sick! You come home and… and make nonsensical comments and embarrass yourself!”

As kindly as possible, Mordecai brought the door halfway shut, allowing neither of them entry. “Dear one, why don’t you see if Calliope will let you listen to your record?” he told Erik. “Okay?” Hyacinth, he assumed, did not require an activity. He closed the door.

Hyacinth, for the first time since this conversation started, looked unsettled. “Erik, not just spearmint okay? I know you’re practicing, but mix it up a little. Please.”

Erik nodded gravely. He knocked on Calliope’s door and then peeked in.

Hyacinth looked up and caught Ann coming down the stairs in a dress at nine o’clock in the morning. “Oh, what fresh chaos is this?” Hyacinth said.

Ann touched a self-conscious hand over her mouth. “Cin, I just thought we might talk for a minute before Milo goes in to work…”

“Sure,” Hyacinth motioned her down. “Come on in the kitchen. It’s warmer in there and I’m making breakfasts…” She winced as ‘Does the Spearmint Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?’ started up behind Calliope’s door. “…And it’s quieter.”

———

“Cin, I want to invite Cerise, but before I do that, I want some assurances…”

Hyacinth sighed. She ceased buttering the end of the bread (there wasn’t toast anymore) and set down the knife. “Oh, look, I’ve left the doors on the bathrooms and hinges and everything… And I admit to being curious, but I really don’t care if she stands up or sits down. If she doesn’t mind about the plumbing…”

“Cin, I don’t want you to hit on her,” Ann said, frowning.

“Hit on her?” Hyacinth laughed. She took off her goggles and smoothed back her wild hair, aping presentability. “Well, why not?”

“Because it’s difficult for her to make friends and you’re not always kind to people. I have mentioned this, dear. And I think you might… approach her just because you’re curious and you think it’s fun rather than liking her or even knowing her at all.”

“You know, I wasn’t expecting a serious answer,” Hyacinth said dully.

“I’m sorry.”

“…Something about ‘you’re old enough to be her mother’ instead of dissecting my personality flaws for breakfast…”

“I am sorry, dear,” Ann said. “But the thing about the ages doesn’t seem to matter as much when you need a different sort of relationship and I didn’t want to make up excuses.”

Hyacinth planted both hands on her hips, “What if she hits on me, then?”

“That’s different,” Ann said. “That’s her deciding to take a risk instead of you offering it… and pressuring her.”

“You act like I’m going to give her drugs, Ann.”

Ann narrowed her eyes. “I wouldn’t like you to do that either, Cin, but I didn’t think it was going to come up.” …Until just now. Milo, I’m sure it will be fine. Antihistamines are not drugs… Well, they are, but it’s not at all the same!

“I do have a sense of morality,” Hyacinth said. She glared down at herself. “It is very small but it is in here somewhere. Ann, I will not hit on your friend or give her drugs or take advantage of her in an emotional way. Or physical.” She looked up. “All right?”

Ann smiled. “I was certain you wouldn’t as long as you knew why, sweetheart. Thank you. I’ll just go back upstairs and get changed. This is going to be so much fun! Oh…” Ann ran into, almost literally ran into, the General on her way out the door. She lost her smile and her stride and scurried up the stairs.

Hyacinth did not look up from Barnaby’s breakfast. “Oh, what? Does your friend need doors on all the bathrooms too, or what? This oatmeal is getting cold.”

“I should think we all require doors on the bathrooms, Hyacinth. It is a matter of courtesy.”

“Yeah.” Hyacinth collected the tray and turned. “But you must have some problem or you’d be eating a pigeon right now, so what is it?”

“My friend is not…” The General wrestled with her vocabulary, snapping together explanations and discarding them for their inadequate design. “My friend honorably sustained a head injury during the war and as a result she is neither mentally nor emotionally stable. Now, I…”

Hyacinth nudged past her. “Is she any worse than the people we’ve had over here during magic storms, because I have had to peel folks off the ceiling before and if she can’t match that kind of behavior I am not going to be really impressed.”

“…It is possible that if she has an issue at the table she may ruin some of the food. I believe I can prevent her from pegging the whole meal at the wall, as it will be a large and heavy one. It is also possible she may frighten Erik, who will not be in the basement, or Mr. Rose, who will not be cowering elsewhere, as is usual during magic season.”

Hyacinth stopped at the bottom of the sweeping staircase and turned back. “She won’t hurt anyone, will she?”

“I highly doubt it. She damages property, not people.”

“Super, she and Barnaby can have a competition.” Hyacinth continued up the stairs. “If you think Milo or Erik are going to have a problem, you should really take it up with…” She paused and considered. “Well, with Ann or Mordecai. They’re better at talking. To you.”

“I do not feel it appropriate to go around preemptively apologizing for behavior that may never occur or sussing out other people’s mental health issues. I am only informing you because it is your house. You may take whatever action you feel is necessary.”

“Oh, you’re delegating. That’s thoughtful,” said Hyacinth. She set down the tray at the top of the stairs and went looking for the pole with the hook so she could get into the attic. “Right, well, I’ll talk to Mordecai when he’s speaking to me again and I’ll grab Ann when she exists in reality again. Is there anything… Ah!”

The General had either teleported in complete silence or walked up the stairs while Hyacinth wasn’t paying attention. And she either did not notice or felt it uncouth to acknowledge Hyacinth’s evident terror. She sidled closer and spoke out of the corner of her mouth, “Hyacinth, she may… not have access to laundry or shower facilities.”

“General, are you embarrassed of your friend?” said Hyacinth.

The General stepped back and straightened her dress. “Not in the least. I am informing you as a courtesy because it is your house.”

“Right,” said Hyacinth. She collected the tray. “Well, if she wants to show up an hour early and do her clothes or herself in the laundry bucket, that’s fine. Otherwise, we’re probably not all going to eat at the table anyway, so if she happens to need space for any reason I don’t see anyone making a big deal… Possibly Milo if she has stains because that kind of thing seems to annoy him, but it’s not like he’ll say anything.”

“I am quite used to going without Mr. Rose’s approval. I only wished to assess yours. Thank you.” The General dipped a small bow and disappeared into her room.

Behind the closed door, not nearly soft enough, Maggie’s voice asked, “Did she say no?”

Hyacinth rolled back her whole head and then climbed up to the attic to deliver Barnaby’s breakfast. “Hi, we’re having some people over on Sun’s Day, so I’m guessing you’re going to want to come down even less than usual. I’ll bring up your presents in the morning if you want… if there are any.”

“Actually, I thought I might invite Gerard,” Barnaby said, smiling.

“Uh-huh. Are you sure this person is alive at the moment and living in San Rosille, where you are currently located… In January, 1377?”

“Reasonably. I believe I am recalling our friendship from the most recent magic season.” Barnaby leaned in with a grin and plucked the tray from her hands, so it could not be dropped and/or thrown. “Gerard Olivier. He has a pork pie hat.”

“Oh, my gods, Barnaby, no!” shrieked Hyacinth.

Milo dropped both his shoes and ran into the closet. The General regarded the ceiling and then tapped politely on the planks with the tip of her umbrella.

Hyacinth stamped both feet on the floor. “Shut up! If you don’t like loud and obnoxious, go and live in a normal house!”

Barnaby set his tray down over his desk full of papers without moving any of them and had a bite of his oatmeal. “I was only teasing you, Alice. The gods know you and I can’t stand other human beings — or even each other.” He retained his smile. “But if you feel like lording it over Mordecai, Milo found a useful item in a pub the other day that you may be interested in.” He frowned. “Oh, but don’t tease him about the arson, Hyacinth. He still feels badly about that.”

“What?”

He put his hand on her arm. “Give it twenty more seconds and you can come up behind him on the stairs and scare the hell out of him…”

She squirmed out of his grasp and straightened the bodice of her dress. “Gods, Barnaby. Hey, Milo?” she called out preemptively and started down the attic stairs.

Milo didn’t have anything to drop, but he did stagger backwards and bump into his own door.

“I’m sorry,” said Hyacinth, emerging. “Barnaby’s being cryptic again. He thinks you found something in a pub I might like for Twelfth Night.”

Milo considered for only an instant, then he brightened and nodded. He pulled a card and a pencil out of his shirt pocket and drew, leaning on the wall. He held up the card in both hands and showed Hyacinth the sketch.

“Shoes, again? Milo, what do I want with shoes?”

Milo frowned and put a little more work into clarifying his drawing. Now when he showed Hyacinth, the shoes were quite firmly on fire. He elaborated by pointing downstairs.

Hyacinth took the card from him and beamed at it. “Oh, yeah. Hey, thanks! Which pub is it?”

Milo sighed. He abandoned Hyacinth and went back into his room to write things.