The Smile (131)

PSI-3

Milo came home in the late afternoon and crept in the front door, trying to be as little noticed as possible. All the action was usually in the kitchen, especially around dinnertime. He sniffed and did not detect cookies or sugar in progress, so he decided to leave the kitchen people as they were and get changed.

Lucy was in the dining room, in the Lu-ambulator. It was in ‘Stationary’ mode, with its six spindly legs planted a firm but compact distance apart in the thick carpet, rocking back and forth like a member of a doo-wop group. It made a soft clicking sound, insectile like the look of it. Lucy didn’t mind that. He didn’t really care how people walking by on the street minded it. They painted it pink and put flowers on it, for goodness sakes! What else was he supposed to do?

He crept a little closer to check its function and make certain it wasn’t about to wiggle itself into ‘Follow’ mode and go bother Calliope in the too-small kitchen.

“Baiee,” Lucy said.

Lucy has access to consonants, Milo barely had time to think.

She smiled at him.

He tucked his hand automatically into his shirt pocket, but he knew he hadn’t been doing that. He didn’t have his hand out like he was going to switch over the dial — in case she was unhappy being rocked and wanted to do something else. He was pretty sure he had his thumbs under his suspenders. Stationary mode, like the Lu-ambulator.

But now he had his hand in his pocket like that, so he went ahead and gave her a card. He didn’t want her to be disappointed. He held it until she got her hands around it, then she crumpled the body of it and stuck the corner in her mouth, like she was a real tough lady about to crack open a bottle with her teeth. She drooled and gummed the thick paper happily.

Milo slid his thumbs back under his suspenders and staggered off. He tumbled down the dining room step and then took several more awkward strides, expecting more stairs in the middle of the front room. He swerved drunkenly around the nice chairs and made it up to his room with minimal bruising. He remembered how doorknobs worked after a couple seconds’ confusion.

Milo… This was like a train wreck. Milo…!

I can’t… He collapsed on the bed. The rickety frame shuddered. A piece of something clacked onto the floor and rolled with a soft rumble like a marble. He hadn’t even closed the door, it was just hanging there, a slack and wordless mouth.

Milo… Ann was stuck in the engine room, surrounded by steam and sprung gears, and she couldn’t work her way out on her own. I know this is big, whatever it is, but I can’t sort it out by myself. Can you do the mirror? Can you talk to me? Please!

I can’t…

Please try.

I’m going to throw up.

That’s okay.

No, it’s not! He clenched his teeth, catching the edges of his tongue between them. It ached like a bruise. The tears welled in his eyes, hot and painful. I want to be happy! Why can’t I be happy?

I don’t know, Milo. Will you help me figure it out?

He sucked air through his teeth, let out half a breath and drew it in again. He couldn’t cry, not really. It hurt. He approached the mirror, tottering. He laid both hands on the dresser to hold himself up. His glasses were all misty. The face in the mirror had a Gaussian filter like a glamour shot. He was flushed down to his collar, but pale in the brow with a red mouth. His makeup guy was terrible.

He drew another sharp breath, took off the glasses and wiped his eyes with a hand. It was a little better that way, still blurry but cooler. He pulled the braid out of the back of his shirt too. Then he addressed the mirror with a frown, Ann, I think Lucy likes me.

Ann made an open smile and then covered it. Honey, didn’t you know that?

He turned away from the mirror, shaking his head. He shut the door. He didn’t want anyone to walk in. He leaned there, making a small space for himself. He didn’t want the mirror again yet. Ann might laugh at him.

I didn’t know she liked me, Ann. I didn’t have a toy. I wasn’t going to give her a card to chew. I wasn’t going to hold a bottle for her or fix the Lu-ambulator or let her play with my glasses or my hair and I didn’t have Calliope or anyone next to me. She smiled at me.

Milo, surely she’s smiled at you before…

Not at me! At stuff. At stuff I had or stuff I was going to do. She said hi and she smiled at me!

Milo, I think she said ‘baiee.’

He wheeled around and faced the mirror: She said it to get me to look at her and when I did she smiled at me!

Ann put up her hands. She nodded. Okay. But that’s all right, Milo, isn’t it?

He drew another stifled sob and shook his head. He shed more tears. No. No. Because I like Lucy too. And I don’t ever want her to go away. And she doesn’t belong to me.

He shuddered. And I like Calliope, and I don’t ever want her to go away, and she doesn’t belong to me.

Milo… She shook her head. She drew him closer to the mirror and wiped away the dampness under her eyes. Honey, you’re not going to lose Lucy and Calliope. They’re friends with you. With both of us. Even if they moved somewhere else we’d still see…

Milo slammed a hand on the dresser. I don’t want them to move somewhere else! I don’t ever want them to move somewhere else! I want them to be here with me! I want them here when I come home from work and when I’m eating breakfast and when I’m messing around in the basement and I can’t even see them! I want them for Yule, all twelve days, and Valentine’s Day, and Pascha, and my birthday, and magic season and Mischief Night and Cloquette Day and Yule all over again! I want them when I’m happy and I want them when I’m sad! I don’t want to see them when they drop by the club like Sean and I don’t want to see them a couple days a week like Cerise. I don’t want friends, I want them always!

His eyes widened. He shook his head. No, I want them more than always. I want more than it already is. Ann, I can’t do this. I can’t feel like this. I’ll hurt them. What’s wrong with me? Am I evil?

Milo… Ann took a step back and pushed down both her hands, as if to tamp down the emotions. I think what we’re talking about here is how we treat people when we love them. Do you get that?

Milo shook his head. He turned away again. No. No, Ann. I don’t care about loving them, I want to keep them!

He was thinking about being a selfish little boy and wanting to have all the toys. They hit you for stuff like that.

Calliope hit me when I tried to keep her.

Milo, that was because we hurt her! You and I both hurt her very badly, because you were afraid and I wasn’t paying attention. We…

I didn’t care if I killed you if I could just keep her and that was bad and she found out and… and she didn’t like it. He wasn’t sure if he should say she hated him. She didn’t seem like she hated him now. But he didn’t know how you could stop hating someone who tried to kill their best friend and brought you flowers about it.

Milo… Ann shook her head at him. It was so much more than that. I know this really hurts, but if you can’t pick this up and take it apart and understand it, you… We’re going to hurt her again, the same way. Because of how you feel about her.

It is something wrong with me, Ann. He dropped his head and looked at his hands on the dresser in front of him. The white paint on the wood was sticky and deeply grooved. His fingers shook. He touched them together and folded them into each other. You don’t have to pretend it’s both of us, I know it’s me.

No, Milo. It is both of us because I’m supposed to help you understand things and I haven’t been able to. This is my job, and I haven’t been doing it.

They were quiet. Their thoughts were tangled, but with clear voices and directions, weaving in and out. It wasn’t like talking, more intuitive. There weren’t always words and they didn’t always make sense, but they understood each other.

Milo looked up with a pained expression. Do you really think we might have to move away? So I don’t hurt Calliope again because of the way I feel?

I… I don’t want to think that, Milo…

But you do.

In the mirror, Ann nodded.

Milo turned away. Ann drew him back and reached out from the glass, But I’m also scared she’ll hurt you. I’m scared she’ll hurt you like you were hurt before. I don’t want that to happen again.

I don’t care about that, Ann.

I know. She gazed out at him with haunted eyes. Could you try? If you can’t care about that, can you care about me? About how much that hurt me?

I’m trying really hard. He huffed a weak sigh. But Lucy didn’t have to like me. That’s big. That’s really big. And it’s right here right now. The other thing… I’m not hurt like that anymore. This is different-hurt.

She put both hands to her face and shook the whole upper half of her body. I don’t like you because I have to, Milo!

But you do have to, Ann. It’s how you’re made.

Milo… She looked stricken. Do you still want what I’m able to give you?

He touched the glass, just the edge of it, leaving a pale thumbprint. Yes. I need you. I always will. You’re perfect. You’re my best friend. He sighed and shook his head. But I think I need other stuff too, Ann, and I’m not allowed to have it.

You know… You do know you can’t have Lucy and Calliope, Milo? I mean, not because they wouldn’t want you, but because you’re not allowed to own a person. It’s not like me, I’m part of you. They’re… Themselves. Even if she wanted to marry you…

He flinched away.

I know. It hurts. I’m sorry. But, even that. A relationship… isn’t a have to, it’s a want to. You have to say yes every day, and you have to have faith that the other person will say yes every day. You have to trust…

Calliope won’t say yes even one day, Ann. Not after what I did.

She’s not going to leave, Milo, and she’s not going to stop being friends with you. She shook her head. But I can’t promise you the ‘yes’ you want and I’m scared for you to try to get it.

He looked hopeful, What if I’m extra nice to her every day and I do things for her, like the Lu-ambulator, and I don’t screw up? Will she need me so much and like me so much she doesn’t ever want to go away?

Milo, being nice to get somebody to do something you want isn’t nice. That’s like when you were trying to get the chewing gum out of the vending machine.

He looked away. I hurt the vending machine.

Yes.

He pressed both hands on the dresser. But I really want them!

They’re here, Milo, and they’re not going away…

They could!

…and it’s not fair trying to hobble them so they can’t do something that would make them happy, even if that means they might leave. If you can’t be okay with Calliope maybe finding someone she wants for a husband and a father for Lucy — and that person isn’t you…

Why is this all on me? He slumped from the mirror and sat down on the bed. He gazed at the wall. The wall didn’t try to talk to him about letting Calliope go away so she’d be happy. Why do I have to give things up and make myself be okay if I want to stay here and be with Lucy and Calliope even a little?

…Because I don’t feel about them the same way you do, Milo. I’m sorry. I wish I could take this from you, or at least share it, but I don’t mind just being friends with them.

What about Lucy? Lucy likes you a lot, Ann. She’ll be sad if you’re not there to hold her, and Calliope can’t explain about having a new dad or a really great job or whyever they’d move away. He checked the mirror to see how this landed.

Ann was frowning. She lifted a hand. I’m not going to say we get to keep Lucy and Calliope in a box, Milo, so don’t get your hopes up.

He glared at her.

She ignored him and considered a few moments more. I’d be sadder about Lucy. I would miss both of them, but I would be sadder about Lucy, and I wouldn’t want her to forget me…

Milo shot to his feet. She could forget me?!

…but I would want her to be happy and Calliope to be happy, and I would try to be okay if that happened. That’s still not the same as you because you’re going to have to try to be okay just having them around the house.

Milo’s eyes brimmed over tears again and he put his face in his hands.

I’m sorry, honey. I’m sorry…

He found himself looking at the sheet over the flowers on his wall. It was plain blue. There were some sheets with flowers on them but he picked a plain one on purpose. He didn’t want fake flowers.

He missed the flowers. But they still hurt too much, so he had them like that. Then he could look at them for however long he wanted and when it was too much cover them up again.

Is that how I feel about Calliope?

Is that how Calliope feels about me?

Lucy just liked him. That was why that was so important. He never messed up and hurt her like that. He didn’t have to worry about it being too much if she liked him. They could do anything. Walks. Listening to music — the radio or the record player. The zoo. The movies.

Maybe not the movies yet.

…’Build Me Up, Buttercup’ on a park bench with one sandwich and a baby bottle.

When she got older he could show her how the dinosaur was wrong.

Oh, geez, Lucy doesn’t know about dinosaurs yet. She gets to go to the Natural History Museum for the first time. That’s gonna be a blast. We hafta wait until she has more consonants, so she can say ‘ankylosaurus…’

But Lucy might go to the Natural History Museum with some other guy…

Some guy who didn’t even like dinosaurs! Or the stuffed animals room with the goofy alpaca!

He shook his head. He stared at the sheet over the flowers. His chest ached. Ann, this is so unfair.

Milo, do you want to get changed? You might feel better if I cry.

You won’t want to cry about them.

I’ll want to cry about you being hurt, and so little I can do.

He shook his head. He hugged his own shoulders and curled up on the bed, drawing his knees to his chest. This belongs to me. I can have these feelings even if I can’t have them. I want this. To have.

He shuddered.

She wanted to hold him, but she couldn’t really do that. He held himself.

She tried to keep her thoughts to herself, not to upset him any more, but it was a hard thing to do. She didn’t want to pull back from him. He felt her, and he got a general impression, even if he was just thinking about how much it hurt. It was like he was hugging her dress in the closet and he could smell her perfume. She was thinking… It was just a little while ago he decided he’d like Calliope to marry someone else and be happy, even if that made him sad. And she thought that was good. That was progress. That was understanding. She didn’t know what this was. She didn’t know if it was like he thought, like the selfish little boy who wanted all the toys, or something better, or something worse. She didn’t know what happened.

He sniffled and scrubbed his sleeve over his face. Lucy smiled at me, Ann.

Milo… Do you love Lucy?

He nodded. Yes.

What does that mean?

It means I’m happy when she’s here and I’m sad when she’s not. And if I couldn’t ever see her anymore, I’d hate it.

Like how you love me?

Yes.

Like how you love the radio?

Yes. He sat up and shook his head. No. More. I can always make another radio, there aren’t any more Lucies.

Is that all it is? There’s only one Lucy but a lot of radios?

I guess…? He didn’t know where she was going with this. She’s precious to me.

The radio can’t love you back…

I think it likes me…

The radio can’t really love you back, Milo. I know you pretend about machines because you like them, but the radio doesn’t really love you back. It works because you did a good job building it, not because it likes you and it wants to make you happy. Lucy can love you back.

His expression soured. He didn’t like being led this way. She was trying to logic him into something he didn’t want, but he didn’t know what it was yet. This was like when she made him get a job. And a room. I already figured out Lucy’s better than a radio, Ann. I’m not up here crying about how I can’t be happy the radio likes me because I might lose it.

Milo, I just want to know… There was a lot she wanted to know, and she wasn’t sure how to ask most of it. Her job was to understand things, but it was so hard to take apart this incredibly important thing. It could hurt him. It could hurt everyone. Are you more upset about losing Lucy because she might be upset about losing you too? I want to know if you understand she’s a person with feelings, not an object you only pretend about. That’s what I want to know.

Milo shot to his feet. He wrung his hands and paced back and forth. He was already shaking his head. He looked into the mirror. His expression was anguish. I know I might hurt her, Ann! I know about hurting people! I know that all the time! Did you think I didn’t know that? Did you think I was just gonna do stuff without caring about hurting her?

She waved both hands for his attention, crossing them in front of her. No, Milo, not like that!

Then like what, Ann?

She huffed a sigh and slumped, bowing her head like she was about to do a sad song into the stand mic. In Milo’s clothes with his glasses off, it looked as if she might be rehearsing a drag act. Can you understand how… how if we could explain to Lucy that you might go away, she might be sad and scared like you feel right now? Because she loves you. She might want to have you like you want to have her.

Milo looked up. His expression crumpled. He sniffled again and his head bobbed slightly as he tried to swallow. Do you think we shouldn’t have let her start liking us, Ann? In case Calliope needs to move away and Lucy gets hurt?

No, Milo…

He dashed forward and laid his hands on the dresser. Do you think we should move away right now so we don’t hurt her more and she won’t feel about me like Calliope and the flowers?

No, Milo. No, no, no. Shhh.

She hugged her shoulders. His shoulders. They rocked back and forth, eyes closed.

Ann opened her eyes. I want you to be safe, Milo. Do you believe that?

He flinched from her. Sometimes.

Not right now.

No.

She sighed. She picked up her head, and both hands. She formed a triangle, thumbs and forefingers touching. If I could help you understand better about loving people… Even just Lucy all by herself, without Calliope. Or Erik. Or Hyacinth. Or Sean, or Cerise at the club… You and that person you loved, and who loved you back, could make a safe place for you to be. For both of you to be. Like a house, with both of you holding up the roof. And you’d know it was safe. And you wouldn’t need to be so scared about losing people. She hopefully curled her fingers into a heart and made a faint smile. It faded as Milo took up the conversation.

I already love you like that, Ann. But I think you hold the roof up all by yourself.

Then it isn’t the same at all, Milo, is it?

He turned away. I’m sorry.

No. She touched his face in the mirror. I know you’re trying, honey. Just as hard as you can. I am too. But I don’t know… I don’t know, even with two of us, if we can catch up to how fast your feelings are changing about Lucy and Calliope. I think we might have to be willing to let them go. She snatched the edge of the mirror to keep him from turning away. And maybe, after a little time, you’ll find someone else. And then we’ll…

He clutched both hands to the sides of his face, fingers curled into fists and nails digging into his palms. His mouth gaped open like he was screaming. I don’t WANT anyone else! I NEVER want anyone else! I want them FOREVER!

Oh, gods, Milo, I’m not saying it has to be that way, but I don’t know if we can do this, and I don’t want you to lose them because you tried to grab them too tight…

He frowned at her, eyes narrowed with hatred. If I can’t understand how to keep people and how to treat people and how to love people for them, then I don’t want to understand it for anyone else. I don’t need that, Ann. I don’t need that more than I need them. I need them. If you don’t get that, you can’t help me.

I understand how you feel, Milo.

She only hoped, she desperately hoped, that he wouldn’t feel that way forever.

Okay. He nodded.

But we need to be careful and not push this. Do you understand that, Milo? We need time. Calliope needs time too. It’s not fair to drop all this on her when we don’t understand it ourselves, and it’s not fair to rush her into anything when she might not be ready for that. You can still be kind to her, and friends with her, and with Lucy… Now she frowned at him. But I’m not going to let you treat her like a vending machine or get out of line and start pushing her, okay?

Milo twitched a weak smile and covered it with a hand. Thanks, Ann.

Ann sighed and slumped and she smiled too, shaking her head. I love you, Milo. I want you to be safe. We’re going to get this eventually. You’re really smart.

You’re pretty, Ann.

I know, sweetheart. She brushed back a wisp of hair. Fix me up so we can have dinner with everyone, they might be waiting for us with cold food by now. It’s been an age.

Milo drew out his watch. Forty-five minutes.

Eight years, Ann thought to herself. But we will get it eventually, Milo. I’m sure of it.

Milo got changed and Ann went downstairs to check on dinner. Lucy smiled at her too.