PSI-2
“Oh, sweet! Wallpaper!” Calliope said.
Milo followed after her waving both arms like he was trying to land an airship. Calliope, no! It’s not art! I wrote words on that! Don’t hang it up!
He put too many paisleys on it. He was so dumb. She didn’t have her glasses on.
Damn it, I should’ve put a border around it like it was a giant card!
There was a mug on her art table with paintbrushes in it and he picked it up and banged it on the wall like he was in a prison movie. A very polite prison movie. Clink-clink. Excuse me? Mister Guard? May I have a cloth napkin? I spilled my fancy mustard.
“Ga!” Lucy said. That rattle looked like fun!
Calliope had a roll of tape and she was making little cylindrical pieces by wrapping it around two fingers — a talent that seemed to be programmed into the essential gears of parents and teachers. She affixed them to the back of his drawing, one to a corner. Milo felt absurdly like he ought to have written his name and age back there.
Calliope, don’t you dare grade that! I did that because I’m happy, it’s not for credit! My reading comprehension is fine! I know I’m smart now!
Although she was his favorite person in the whole world and he never wanted to hurt her ever again, if she picked up a red pen, he was going to kick her in the shins.
She found space on the wall near the bed and carefully mounted the drawing/extremely-important-message-about-relationships-and-family-and-apology, beginning in one corner and smoothing it out with her fingertips. She pulled her glasses out of her shirt pocket and examined it. “What part do you want to draw things about first, Milo?” she said. She turned and noticed him holding her paintbrush cup. “Oh. Do you want to use the acrylics?”
He put down the mug. He weakly shook his head.
She smiled at him. “Yeah. Pencil’s faster. Come on.”
———
Milo said: Calliope, I love you like chocolate milk. (He had drawn a glass of it with little red hearts inside like someone had mixed in a handful of confetti with the syrup.) You don’t have to love me back the same, because I know I really screwed up, but thank you for still being my friend and giving me another chance. A lot of stuff happened yesterday (and today!), and I have a lot to say about it, but I love you the whole time, OK?
I put numbers on things to keep it organized. I did way too many cards for this and also I dropped them in the yard and some more stuff happened. In the margin, somewhat smaller and scrunched, he added: And I drew a lot of flowers and paisleys — it’s a big piece of paper and I don’t like negative space!⛈
1) I’m not mad about the brownies. (He had drawn them on the blue plate with the note next to them on one side of the paragraph, and he put the radio with music coming out, the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and some more chocolate milk on the other side.) I don’t know if I would’ve been mad if I knew about them right away, but I wouldn’t have been mad like Ann. I think she was being mean and wrong and a bad friend. I’m still mad at her about it, but I’m still going to be friends with her and she’ll still be friends with you. This is just for right now.
(Beneath this, he had drawn a watch with about 15 minutes shaded in orange, that seemed like a good way to say ‘only a little while but not right away.’)
2) I’m really sorry I hurt your hand and scared you when it happened. I wanted to stop and I knew you wanted me to stop, but I couldn’t. That happens to me sometimes but it’s a lot less than it used to. I think it might be like when Euterpe can’t wake up except I’m not asleep. (I guess you know that already?) (He sketched a small paper crane beside this, it stood out because it was the only thing in gray.) Thank you for knowing I wasn’t trying to hurt you. ❤You’re really smart.❤
(The next section was wreathed in rainbow gears.)
⛭⛭3) I don’t know why we keep making each other scared and unhappy. This never happens with gears and chocolate milk. But I want to keep trying to do better and get it right.⛭⛭
4) I know it’s not on purpose. It’s not on purpose when I do it, too. I’m still sorry for everything.
5) It’s OK if you and Mordecai have brownies with drugs in them (I think he needs them so he doesn’t die), but I can’t do that with you. ❁❀I can DRAW with you❀❁ (He put a lot of flowers around that part and wrote extra big, advertising his artistic ability) and he can’t, though, so you can have different friends for different things like Erik has all different parents.
6) I have parents now, too! Hyacinth and Mordecai are my mom and dad! I think I had them a long time and we didn’t notice, but Ann and me and Mordecai figured it out, so now I know I have them! It’s really great. Mordecai said it’s OK if we do dad stuff, but then he asked me if I wanted to overthrow the government so I think he might not know what “dad stuff” is, but I bet we can figure that out, too.
7) We have to be really careful about Hyacinth being my mom because she doesn’t know and she wouldn’t like it if she did. There’s something about people liking her that really bothers her, but even Em can’t figure it out. I think it scares her, and I don’t want to make her scared. So Hyacinth has to stay my secret mom.
8) Also, Em doesn’t want me to call him “Dad,” or anyone to call him that. I don’t think it scares him, but he doesn’t like it. So be nice and try not to, Calliope, OK? He can still totally be my dad, like he’s Erik’s dad, we can just call him something that doesn’t make him unhappy.
(The next bit had hearts all around it and lines shooting out of it like it was glowing.)
❤❤9) Erik doesn’t mind sharing and he’s really happy we get to be family.❤❤
10) Also, Erik knows what I’m trying to say sometimes — I don’t have to draw it or do a card — and I think I know what he’s trying to say sometimes when he can’t talk, too. I don’t know what that is, but I thought you should know about it in case it seems like we’re leaving you out. I’m sorry I have to have pencil and paper to talk to you, but it’s not on purpose.
11) I’m pretty sure Seth is an unlicensed prostitute. We might need to do something about that. That’s a really hard job and he might get hurt or arrested.
12) Maggie and me made a deal in case either of us gets mad and tries to set someone on fire or hurt them. She’ll stop me if I stop her. But I can’t be home all the time so kinda keep an eye on her, OK? I think she won’t hurt you even if she’s mad because you’re a nice person and if she does I’ll kill her.
13) Hyacinth wants us all to have ice cream! She wants to make Mordecai pay for it because she knows about the dad thing and she wants to tease him. I think it’s okay because I like ice cream. I asked her to wait until we were all done talking.
(Beneath this, unnumbered but surrounded by red hearts in red pencil, he added:)
❤❤Can we hug or have sex? Either is OK. There will still be ice cream after, Cin doesn’t know if we’re not really talking and she can’t be mad.❤❤
(At the very bottom, he had drawn a hot fudge sundae with a cherry on top.)
———
“Your dad’s a real motormouth, huh, princess?” Calliope said, bouncing gently with Lucy.
“Abah?” Lucy inquired. Mom, I don’t get you, but couldja do me a big favor and hand me the big flat thing with the colors? I’m gonna need to crumple that up and then cram whatever’s left of it in my mouth! She reached for it with both hands, fingers splayed.
“No, sweetie, Mama’s not done with that yet. You wanna play with your gourd? Shake-shake-shake?”
Lucy stuck out her tongue and drooled like when she didn’t like the rice cereal. That is not cool, Mom. The hard thing that makes a funny noise isn’t anywhere near as fun. I’ve been trying to destroy that for, like, practically ever and I still can’t. I can’t even fit the whole thing in my mouth! Do you get how frustrating that is?
Milo emerged from the closet holding a cigar box with colored pencils in it and with a drawing tablet tucked under his arm. He shook the box once. I found ‘em, Calliope. It’s just me. Nobody be scared.
Calliope abandoned Lucy in the bassinet with her comparatively boring rattle. “Yay! I like that a lot better than talking in black and white! Did you find my shoes while you were in there?”
He shook his head. I… I don’t think I knew I was looking for those?
“That’s okay. They’ll turn up someplace. Or I can wear the ones with the buttons.”
Milo blushed and turned his head aside.
“I gotta practice with those, they’re like roller skates. I don’t want to fall down the stairs like poor Sean… I used to do letters like this in school for boys I liked, but I had stickers. Would you like stickers, Milo?” She was looking at the ‘wallpaper’ again; Milo had gone rapidly from horrified that Calliope might fall down the stairs to irritated at the thought of her doing a pretty letter like that for some other boy.
I don’t want you to like doing art for other boys, Calliope. That’s our special thing we do.
Milo, she still does art with Chris and she had a baby with him…
That’s different! It’s not for him, Ann, it’s just near him. Anyway, she decided she didn’t want him and I’m friends with him because we both know how that feels. And she did not have a baby with him! She didn’t ask him to be there in the hospital and break a stupid vending machine that wouldn’t give him the goddamn chewing gum, she asked me!
That is rather more specific than what she actually asked you to do, Milo…
Hey, Ann? Stop helping me.
She went quiet. That was good.
Calliope put her arms around him and smiled, which was even better. “It’s okay, babe. I don’t date elementary school kids anymore. I like how you draw. I just thought you might like stickers.”
He made what he hoped was a smile and then covered it with a hand, just in case.
She considered and then selected a blue pencil from the box. “You wanna play around with negative space?” she asked him. “They call it ‘ma’ in Wakoku. It’s like a philosophical thing.” She splayed her fingers and formed a rectangle with her hands, peering through it at him. “The walls and windows make the house, but it’s the space inside that gets used,” she intoned. “Or something like that.” She grinned.
Milo stared at her. Out of all the possible… That was what she picked to talk about? He shook his head. No. No thank you. Maybe later, but no. He approached the wall and indicated numbers 1-13 with a vast gesture like he was hosting a game show. Would you like to pick what’s behind any of the doors, Calliope, or will you be going home with the fire extinguisher from the lighting control booth?
She was sitting on the bed and sharpening the pencil. “I can do more than one thing, babe,” she said. She sketched an imprecise box with rounded corners that made Milo want to scream and put another box inside of it. Terrible box number two got shaded in and labeled ‘potential dad stuff’ and the remaining white space in terrible box number one got labeled ‘negative space.’
Milo tapped the ‘potential dad stuff’ box like it was super cold outside and he wanted to be buzzed into the building. He commandeered a pink pencil and put a (much better) box around the box, then an exclamation point!
Calliope snickered. “Yeah, okay.” She traded for a black pencil and sketched some misty trees with bare branches like she saw in an art book once. “Em thinks you might want to overthrow the government because he tried to do that when he was around your age. You know, the Cut-Flag Revolt? Oh…” She picked up the green and purple pencils and approximated the flag. “That one?”
Milo shrugged. He’d seen stickers like that on cars and windows but he thought it was just some kinda political thing. That stuff was boring.
“Well, it didn’t go very well and he didn’t like it,” Calliope said. “I think he probably just wanted to make sure you didn’t want to because you wouldn’t like it either, not because he thought it was fun dad stuff. You get how the trees are defined by the white space around them but the white space is also defined by the trees? You know about Yin and Yang?”
Milo shook his head, thinking, Oh, great. Now I have to go to the library and read about a whole revolution so I can relate to my father. That’s gonna be really stressful…
Calliope had drawn a black and white symbol that looked like two paisleys chasing each other which Milo thought was crying out for embellishment. He copied it on his own paper and tipped up the drawing pad so she wouldn’t see it if he decided he wasn’t happy with it.
“I think the dad thing is probably because he used to do that for Erik’s mom during the siege,” she said. She didn’t know what Erik’s mom looked like so she continued the negative space/duality lesson with a sketch of ripples in water. “It’s like, every action has an equal and opposite reaction — you get it, babe? But anyway, he tried to be her dad and she died, so I can see how he wouldn’t like to do it again. He’s doing it for Erik already, but I guess as long as nobody says ‘dad’ he can pretend it’s something else. Erik’s already almost-died a bunch of times too…” She frowned and looked up at him. “Babe, are you sure you want Em for a dad? He might be a jinx.”
Milo nodded.
“Okay,” Calliope said. “But you better not die because that would really mess him up. What do you think about minimalism?” She had drawn a framed canvas but it just had a single black dot in the center of it.
Milo expelled a sharp breath that was not quite a laugh. He flipped his drawing pad around and showed Calliope his take on the paisley-design, which he had filled with tessellating swirls and surrounded with a floral motif. He made a small smile without noticing.
“Ah-ha,” Calliope said. She snickered. “Okay, it’s pretty, but you’re kinda missing the point.”
Milo regarded his drawing and frowned at it. Well, then it’s not pretty, Calliope, is it?
She was redoing the design already on her own paper. “If you’re going to have it like that, you should just fill up half. The point is the contrast. I think I’m sad you have parents, Milo.”
Milo stopped her hand from drawing and put a question mark on her paper.
“Well…” She put a hand to her mouth and gazed at the wall. Milo showed her about that. It wasn’t like a bonsai, it was someplace to put your eyes and your face while your brain was working on something else. “You ever think about stuff you know you wouldn’t really like or need but you kinda get attached to thinking about it like that and when it changes you’re upset?”
Milo ripped his non-pretty drawing off the pad, cast it aside on the bed and began to sketch urgently. Oh, gods, Calliope, let me tell you about how I wanted to eat all the cookies and I’m half-vampire!
“Okay, you do that,” Calliope said. “I’m still working on what I’m saying.” She looked back at the wall. “I guess… No, I don’t guess, but it’s silly and I’m embarrassed. I kinda thought when Lucy was a little older for the train I’d take you to meet my mom and dad, and Ojichan, and whoever else is home, and then we could adopt you.”
Milo quit trying to get across that the faceless figure he had produced was a vampire and looked up at her, blinking.
“Yeah, I don’t think I really want to keep you that way,” Calliope said. “And I’m still trying to figure out the other way. But I like to put you in a great big family with lots of people who love you like you like to fill up both sides of a taijitu.” She picked up his discarded drawing. “It still looks good, Milo, I was just trying to explain a concept.”
Milo drew a red heart on her paper and twitched a weak smile which he did notice but decided not to cover. Calliope understood when he was trying to smile.
He guessed… He guessed maybe everyone else here did too? Maybe he didn’t need…
Well, he still wouldn’t like Barnaby or the General to stare at him smiling wrong. Hyacinth might tease him. Erik might be sad. He’d have to think about that for everyone else.
But not Calliope.
She put her hand over his hand and squeezed gently. “Yeah, I know.” Her smile faded. “Oh, no, can we still adopt Ann or does she have parents now too?”
Milo wrote 2+2=4 at the top of his paper and put a heart around the 4. …If Erik can have seven Ann can have four, then nobody has to be sad and Calliope can have that sister she wants. He showed Calliope.
“Babe, why’s this guy in the cape about to eat four dozen cookies?” Calliope said. That was a lot of cookies. Milo had enclosed one in brackets and put 4×12 at the tip.
Milo sighed. He put the pad on the bed, then he continued his drawing for Calliope’s benefit. He gave the guy in the cape some glasses, and after some consideration a juicebox with the notational symbol for blood on it. Then he put ‘AB+’ and a red drop underneath, because Calliope didn’t understand what the hell he was talking about when he did magical notation. Only Hyacinth and the General did magical notation and they wouldn’t have any idea about the other stuff. He put a thought bubble around the whole scene (but not 2+2=4) and some dots leading down like a comic strip then he lifted the drawing pad above his head.
“You like to imagine you’re a vampire who eats way too many cookies,” Calliope said.
Milo sighed. He flipped around the pad, put ‘½!’ next to the vampire, and held it over his head again.
“Oh. Half-vampire.” Calliope beamed suddenly and pointed at him with her pencil. She bent over her pad and drew a cartoon baby in a sun hat, which Milo instantly recognized. “Because of the sunshield, right? Because of the little baby sunshield? You’re just vampire enough to need sunshield!”
Milo nodded, smiling. Also because that would be a good reason for my mom to leave me at a workhouse, but you’re really good at this, Calliope!
“Is Ann half-vampire too? Could she be half-kyonshi? They’re from Wakoku!” She was drawing one. It did not have a cape. It had a green face and its arms stretched out like a zombie. She gave it long red hair. “Then she can be half-Wakokuhito like me and Euterpe and everyone!”
Ann, you’re half-vampire now. Are you in there? Are you listening to me? I’m making you half-vampire whether you want it or not, so if you’re annoyed with me be annoyed about that too.
Milo nodded some more.
“Sweet!” Calliope said. “Well, that’s at least six parents, babe. Two plus two plus two equals six.”
Oh, cool, Milo thought. But she doesn’t beat Erik even if we count all six, and it’s only four real ones. And only if Calliope’s family likes Ann as much as she does. I guess Euterpe likes her, but there’s a bunch more of them…
“Is Seth a prostitute because of the school?” Calliope said.
Milo held up a finger, begging for a moment’s pause. Okay, hang on, I need to unpack that like the vampire eating cookies.
He chewed on his pencil… which did not have an eraser and he remembered all of a sudden was not his pencil so he put it down and stopped doing that. Then he picked up a blue-gray one, folded to a new sheet of paper and drew a sinq sign with a question mark.
“Yeah,” Calliope said. “I mean, how else is he gonna pay for it? Maggie got him fired and schools are super expensive. My grandpa has a school. My dad doesn’t want it and everyone’s really hoping Melpomene does, because Thalia’s kind of an international thief right now…”
Milo nodded. I think that’s part of it, but then again there’s also the heroin… He wasn’t sure he should mention that. Ann thought Seth was ashamed of it, like hiding in the closet to hit his head.
“It’s got to be really hard to have a school and another job,” Calliope said. “Do you think we should help him? I can’t pay for a whole school, but I could teach the kids life drawing or something if he needs to work. You could teach them how to make toasters, does that sound fun?”
Milo picked up his drawing of the paisley-thing, pointed to it and then to Calliope’s head. It looks good but you’re missing the concept, babe.
He stood up and added a box to the ‘wallpaper’ where it said ‘unlicensed.’
“Oh,” Calliope said. “He might get arrested. Right. Okay.”
Milo also knew he might get a lot of other bad things, but he didn’t want to try drawing them.
“Should we get him a license?” Calliope said. She smiled. “He could live at the Dove Cot!”
Milo offered her a hesitant nod with an uncertain expression. A qualified nod. Yes, but… He put a hand over his mouth and started to pace back and forth. This was like trying to explain the thing about the cookies to Erik. And Erik could, like, read his mind, and Erik still didn’t understand the thing about the cookies.
I’m pretty sure he can’t have heroin and a license and live at the Dove Cot at the same time. And the school, people take things from the school. But… I think he doesn’t like being a prostitute. Not like it’s not any fun, but I bet it’s not. Like he doesn’t like wanting drugs and I don’t like hitting my head in the closet. I need to and I can’t stop, but… I want to have that part of me in a box and hide it. I wouldn’t like someone to give me a license to hurt myself. I know I’m not supposed to and I’d be scared and sad if someone gave me permission. It’s not like when Ann was a prostitute and she just didn’t like people to hurt her. Well, I mean, he probably doesn’t like that part either, but it’s more.
I think if we tried to get him a license he’d say no and we’d hurt him. Because he doesn’t think that part needs fixing. And he doesn’t think being ashamed of it needs fixing either. He thinks it’s supposed to hurt and it’s bad and nobody should know about it or help him about it.
So what do we do about that?
Geez, he really should’ve put some more thought into number 11 before he moved onto explaining how he’d kill Maggie and they were gonna have ice cream.
He picked up the drawing pad and he drew a bed with a sinq sign on it. Then he drew a desk and a tall skinny guy and a little kid hugging. He thought about drawing a chalkboard and decided against it; chalkboards weren’t nice, even if Seth and Calliope didn’t think so. All the stuff over here should be nice. He added a yellow sun and a couple cheerful flowers, even though Cinders Alley only got dandelions and grass. He put some orange cones and caution tape between the school and the bed, and a little black rain cloud over the bed. He offered this to Calliope with a doubtful expression. If you don’t get it, it’s okay. I tried.
“He doesn’t want the kids to know, but it’s not just that,” Calliope said.
Milo nodded.
She took the pad from him and added a caption, Happy/Sad, with the slash in the middle yellow and black like the caution tape.
Milo nodded.
“Does he want us to know, Milo?” she asked him.
He shook his head.
“Oh. But we do anyway. Oh, no, we’re gonna end up on the other side of the tape if we bug him about it.”
Milo nodded, but a lot more enthusiastically.
“Yeah.” Calliope said. She put down the pad and rested her head in her hands with a sigh. “You know, Ojichan used to work in a molly house, but it wasn’t this complicated. I guess they didn’t used to make them get licenses.”
Milo shrugged.
“I still think we should say we’ll do the school for him if he needs, but we can say it’s if he needs a break. Then it’ll be like not calling Em a dad, he still knows how it is but he can pretend it’s not.”
Milo nodded. I think that’s not going to fix it, but it’ll help. He drew a little adhesive bandage for her and put a heart on it.
“I think you guys should go to the park together and play,” Calliope said. “That’s what we used to do with my dad. And sometimes there’s an ice cream guy, or someone with balloons. You can definitely have a balloon every time, Milo. You don’t have to have nine of ‘em or you fight. Or do you guys need two?”
Milo took a moment to internally confirm she didn’t think he ought to go to the park and play with Seth, then he nodded and showed only one finger.
Ann, you’re not going to need a balloon, are you?
Ann, if you’re giving me the silent treatment it is not working. I’m still irritated with you and this is like a vacation. This is me wearing sunglasses and having a drink with a paper umbrella in it on the beach, okay?
“I think we should ask Em about it too,” Calliope said. “We talked about what dads are for this one time when you weren’t home, so he definitely has some ideas, he was probably just nervous you might want a revolution. We can take colored pencils and I can help you talk when we have the ice cream, okay?”
Milo nodded. Ann, I will be having all of the ice cream this afternoon. You don’t have a problem with that, do you? Right. Super.
“Do you wanna do ice cream first or sex first?” Calliope said.
Milo winced. Oh, man, that’s a hard one. Geez. Uh…
Well, Ann was no help.
Okay, I want to eat dinner later and it’s getting late, so, uh… He tapped his drawing of the hot fudge sundae at the bottom of the ‘wallpaper.’ I’ll be hungry again after sex!
“Cool,” Calliope said. She grinned at him. “I just gotta find my shoes!”
Milo sighed. Oh, gods. Okay. He pointed to her, then he pointed emphatically to the bedroom floor. Then he pointed to himself, opened the door and put a hand out to point at the front room. You look in here, I’ll look out there.
She smiled and signed him a thumbs up.
He closed the door and did a quick scan of the front room. No, those were Flo’s shoes over there.
Ann, I’m serious, have you seen Calliope’s shoes? I want ice cream. I’ll share with you if you can figure out where Calliope’s shoes are.
Ann felt like crying. And he could feel her feeling like crying and he knew it wasn’t sad-crying. He hooked into the downstairs bathroom very fast and glared in the mirror.
Ann, what in the actual hell? It’s just shoes… They’re not even that pretty!
Ann beamed at him and dabbed under her eyes with his sleeve. Oh, Milo! You asked me to stop helping you!
What? You were being really annoying, Ann!
I don’t think I was, but you did that whole conversation with Calliope all by yourself!
Milo backed away from the mirror, shaking his head. He was starting to see implications. Ann… I still need your help. Don’t say you’re gonna stop helping me, Ann. That’s not nice…
Oh, sweetheart, I won’t leave you and we won’t ever stop being friends. But do you see how good at things you are when you really, really want to be?
He was still shaking his head. Ann, I… I signed you up for two extra parents and nine brothers and sisters — and that includes an international thief and the twins who didn’t talk to anyone until they turned twelve — and I made you half some kind of zombie vampire I can’t even pronounce!
Darling, I don’t care about any of that! I’m so happy for you!
It was a damn good thing she wasn’t wearing a dress because she would’ve been screaming and that might’ve interfered with the ice cream.
Ann, Calliope is special. I can’t talk to just anybody. I can’t talk. I’m not you.
Then I’m so happy you have her and I’m so happy for both of you! And I think that’s her shoe in the toilet, dear.
What.
Milo turned and checked the toilet. There was no water in the bowl, only a lot of newspaper Barnaby had glued in there. The house didn’t have plumbing.
Milo picked up the shoe. There was one shoe. He held it firmly in one hand, as if he were about to murder a cockroach. Okay, well, we’ve got one of ‘em.
Without much hope, he lifted the lid on the tank and checked there — just in case.